A Guide To Surviving Veggies

If you’re not familiar with what exactly a vegetable is, then you’re lucky. “Veggies” are usually green, or otherwise another sickly color. Parents give vegetables to their children to torture them. Some side effects are: nausea, headache, dizziness. Sometimes choking will occur if an attempt is made to swallow the vegetable whole.

The key to veggie avoidance is something called -- the pocket. This item must be on your person at ALL times. The deeper the pocket, the better. As long as it’s brought to the dinner table every night, you’ll be safe.

To use the pocket, you must wait until the opportune moment. This usually occurs when both parents are obliviously shoveling food into their mouths, or looking away. The trick is to stuff as many vegetables into the pocket as possible. After dinner, you can calmly walk to the bathroom, wait a few minutes--enough time to have realistically gone to the bathroom--then flush the contents of your pocket down the toilet. The pocket is the most useful and effective device in surviving your vegetables. In case you don't have access to a pocket of your own, there are other options.

The George Washington maneuver is not one of them. If you haven’t heard the story, the short version is that George Washington poured his lima beans in the sink. Unfortunately, after the famous cherry tree incident, he couldn’t tell a lie. Poor George ended up spilling the beans to his parents. They scooped up what he threw away and made him eat every last watered-down lima bean. After becoming president and what not, the story was published and sold in bookstores around the world. Now all parents check the sink after dinner.

The “sibling tactic” is another recommended approach. However, it only works if you have access to a faithful family member – who likes vegetables. When the opportunity presents itself, the sibling can secretly snatch the vegetables off your plate and stuff them into his or her mouth as quickly as possible. The problem is that an attentive parent may notice your vegetable-free plate, and give you another serving. If another sibling--one not as faithful as the first-- betrays, you'll be served a lecture on the side.

One of the most rewarding ways to survive your vegetables is to give them to someone else. Children under the age of seven are recommended, as they're known for their easily obtained attention and gullibility. The scene could play out like this:

“Hey! Look over there! I see a chicken crossing the road!”

The child will turn, and search for the chicken, leaving you plenty of time to add your vegetables to their pile. Fortunately, no cover up is ever needed after he realizes what has happened. For a child of that age is too proud to let anyone know they could not see the chicken.

Supposedly vegetables help the growth process, but don’t believe any of it. It’s just a way for parents to have control, and a legal way to torture their children

Vegetables are almost deadly.

Fortunately, surviving your vegetables IS possible.